Thursday, April 16, 2009

Must We ALWAYS Be Funny?

(L) Billy Goodnick (R) Owen Dell

Owen Dell, author of Sustainable Landscaping For Dummies, is a pretty funny guy. I know, because I'm a pretty funny guy. We've been working together on a regional TV show called Garden Wise Guys (GWG) for about three years. It's a silly show. It's a very informative show. We're very fond of each other and the chemistry that erupts when we're working on ideas for the show is actually better than the show. We often comment that the writing sessions are far better than what we capture on GWG.

We think we're very clever and have an important message about embracing sustainable landscaping practices. So for a while we tried to figure out how to take over the world!!! (MWA HA HA!!! said the boyz, rubbing their hands, clarification: Owen rubs his hands together while I rub MY hands together). We thought up a few business ideas all of which we gave up on. Its initials were CGG. Nuff about's the main point, which I believe reinforces the initial contention that Owen and I are very silly people. The following is a series of e-mails that began as a serious question, but as generally happens between us, was trampled and pounded beyond recognition due to the unmitigated urge to be clever and funny. Herewith...

Original question from Owen:
I'll be speaking in Vancouver, B.C. next month on business
opportunities in sustainable landscaping. They have asked me whether
I have any hard statistics on the market, where the money is, etc. I
really don't, but I think it's a reasonable request and a good thing
to add to my talk. If you happen to have any thoughts on how to find
such info I'd appreciate hearing them. I'll be looking into this over
the next couple of weeks.


Response from Billy
O. Perplexing and illusive. As you know, that's the question we keep asking ourselves.
Given what we heard from someone recently (was it Rusznak?) I'd start with the reference librarian at the main library. Could kill two birds with one stone (that's the IPM approach); one for your Vancouver talk and one for CGG.

Reply from Owen

Yes, but is that stone native sandstone or has it been trucked in? If native, was it removed from a protected area or were any endangered species hiding under it at the time of removal? Was an EIR issued for the project? Will the stone be returned to its original location after it has been used to kill the two birds?


From Billy

You're such a buzz killer!

If you really need to know, it was not actually a stone in the geologic mineral sense, but was made from organic waste, originating at the south end of a northbound musk ox, then hand-formed and sun dried into perfect spheres by indigenous Nepalese dung sculptors, carried down from the Himalayas on beasts of burden (who urinated on sprouting organic vegetables along the way), then placed on sail boats and brought to Santa Barbara, where the biodegradable hemp packaging was reused as tie-dyed fabrics to cloth poverty-stricken hippies at De la Guerra Plaza. Then the "stones" were distributed to sadistic little children of meth addicts who would ambush the rare double-breasted pin-striped Western warbler and smash its little skull repeatedly. The carcass of the boid was rendered into blood and bone meal, then sent back on the aforementioned sailboats to the foothills of the Himalayas to supplement the urine-soaked organic veggies.

You can calculate the embodied energy, but I think it's minimal. My conscience is clear.

If you'd like to catch a bit of our show, we're at


themanicgardener said...

I think you've answered your own question: Yes.

I have the weird sense as I read those e-mails that I know these people; I might even be one of these people.

Please come by my plot so you can go take a look at my compost article so you can come back to my plot and tell me what I left out.

Ross said... the words of a certain British Colonel:

Right, you two hermits, stop that sketch. I think it's silly...

VW said...

Well I laughed!